If I Could Turn Back Time..

I’d like to thank Cher for today’s blog title.

This time change is REALLY messing me up. The sun sets around here at 5:30 which doesn’t leave a lot of time to go for a run when I get off of work (confession bear: I haven’t been yet) and by the time 7 o’clock rolls around I swear it’s midnight and time for bed. My mind is confusing my body and I need it to knock it off or I’ll end up hibernating for the winter. Which doesn’t sound like a terrible idea but when I roll out of my cave in the Spring that could be terrifying.

Yes brain.. knock it off.

Yes brain.. knock it off.

To add to the dark thirty issue, it’s been rainy and dreary here for days and as I’ve ¬†previously mentioned, I hate running in the rain. I kick water up the back of my legs and it gets all itchy and I get whiney.. it’s just terrible. I need more options to exercise (read: sweat, whine and cry) in the privacy of my own home. I’ve tried P90X (no thank you) and a lot of Jillian Michaels DVDs — but I just get bored. So I’m looking for suggestions.

Practice makes perfect? Nope.. still bored

Practice makes perfect? Nope.. still bored

On a happier note, this cutting back on the booze business is very nice. It’s nice to wake up without the room spinning or a dozen leprechauns dancing on your brain. I’m getting too old for that shit.

Whatever you say Cher. You're the boss.

Whatever you say Cher. You’re the boss.

So that’s it for today.. as always, suggestions are welcome in the comments section. Oh and here’s a new running song for you… and no, it’s not a Cher song. Surprisingly.

May Cher bless you and all of our asses look like hers at 50.


The Internet is a Scary Place

I admit I love the internet. If you asked me to choose between television and the internet I would choose the internet in a hot second. Hell, if you asked me to choose between beer or the internet I would be quick to say the internet. Well, maybe not as quick because I really really love me some beer, BUT… I would choose it nonetheless. Where else can you keep up with your friends from across the country and find recipes for the Pizza Inn Chocolate Chip Pizza? It really is a magical place.. but every now and then.. things are seen that can’t be unseen. I’m not talking about duck face selfies in bathroom mirrors or updates on your friend’s second child’s potty training progress [insert eyeroll here].. no.. I’m talking about this.

Click the picture to read the full story.

Click the picture to read the full story. At your own risk, might I add.

Ok I thought this was going to be the normal crushed up bug butts to make your candy red, but I was not prepared for Beaver Anal Gland Juice and Maggoty Mushrooms.

I apologize for using a jersey shore gif but it's the only thing that adequately expressed my disgust.

I apologize for using a jersey shore gif but it’s the only thing that adequately expressed my disgust.

I don’t even know what to say to that entire article except that I’m pretty sure posting it on my fridge/pantry is the best diet ever. “Hmm I’m hungry.. what do I want? Oh yes how about a bowl full of human hair? Sounds delicious.” Nope. Slam the fridge door, lock the pantry and chew on some wheatgrass. Seems to be the only thing that is safe.



Mother Nature is Going Through Menopause

Clearly the only explanation for the weather this week is that Mother Nature is going through menopause. It’s freakin’ cold. I live in the South. We aren’t used to nor are we prepared for this cold weather. Our schools are delayed at least 2 hours, not for ice or snow, but because a lot of our school children live in poverty and don’t have coats and we have to protect them when they normally get on the bus in the dark at 6am. I’m sure the rest of the country is laughing at us, but you don’t prepare for -400 degrees when you live in hellacious temperatures 3/4 out of the year. ¬†And what exactly is a “Polar Vortex?”

Was Snownado taken? What about Freeze Funnel?

It is nice to have something to blame me not running on other than just plain old laziness. Personally I like my lungs functioning and not frozen. This wind chill of 3 is not exactly conducive to my fitness plans. I did, however, go to Yoga on Monday night. Let me just say.. ow. It hurts to wash my hair, it hurts to put on a coat, it hurts to breathe.. what fresh hell is this? I guess that’s what I get for taking a month off. The instructor said he has been missing my little group of friends and clearly he wanted to show us how much he missed us by torturing us. Love is pain, right? Or pain is beauty. One of those.. all I know is there is more Advil in my system than there is food.

If you haven’t seen Phantom of the Yoga.. google it. NOW!