If I Could Turn Back Time..

I’d like to thank Cher for today’s blog title.

This time change is REALLY messing me up. The sun sets around here at 5:30 which doesn’t leave a lot of time to go for a run when I get off of work (confession bear: I haven’t been yet) and by the time 7 o’clock rolls around I swear it’s midnight and time for bed. My mind is confusing my body and I need it to knock it off or I’ll end up hibernating for the winter. Which doesn’t sound like a terrible idea but when I roll out of my cave in the Spring that could be terrifying.

Yes brain.. knock it off.

Yes brain.. knock it off.

To add to the dark thirty issue, it’s been rainy and dreary here for days and as I’ve  previously mentioned, I hate running in the rain. I kick water up the back of my legs and it gets all itchy and I get whiney.. it’s just terrible. I need more options to exercise (read: sweat, whine and cry) in the privacy of my own home. I’ve tried P90X (no thank you) and a lot of Jillian Michaels DVDs — but I just get bored. So I’m looking for suggestions.

Practice makes perfect? Nope.. still bored

Practice makes perfect? Nope.. still bored

On a happier note, this cutting back on the booze business is very nice. It’s nice to wake up without the room spinning or a dozen leprechauns dancing on your brain. I’m getting too old for that shit.

Whatever you say Cher. You're the boss.

Whatever you say Cher. You’re the boss.

So that’s it for today.. as always, suggestions are welcome in the comments section. Oh and here’s a new running song for you… and no, it’s not a Cher song. Surprisingly.

May Cher bless you and all of our asses look like hers at 50.

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What is Running?

I fell of the wagon… again. I haven’t been running in weeks. I haven’t been playing soccer either. I have been feasting like a gluttonous monster lately. This is not a good combination. At this rate they’re going to be able to tie strings to me and float me down Broadway at Thanksgiving. Macy’s.. call me.

Actual face.. not as scary. Actual boobs.. not as big.

Actual face.. not as scary. Actual boobs.. not as big.

Yesterday was my birthday! I turned 35 29 and decided to celebrate by going out for wine with my “ladies.” That’s in quotes because if you met us you would know the term ladies does not apply.

Friends if you're reading this don't even try to deny it.

Friends if you’re reading this don’t even try to deny it.

That wrapped up around 830(ish) and I wasn’t done celebrating so I had a few drinks when I got home. Why do I do this to myself? I’m not feeling too terribly rough today but I know for sure my liver is packing its shit to leave me.

Because tonight college football starts so there must be beer.

Because tonight college football starts so there must be beer.

I’m so excited college football is starting. Except for the fact that I live in the city where our rival college is located. I know I’m not supposed to say I hate people… but whoever gave me that advice never met Gamecock fans.

All except maybe 2 of you. You know who you are.

All except maybe 2 of you. You know who you are.

Worst. People. Ever. Like I get being a fan but you don’t have to be a douchebag about it. That’s enough of that. /rant

Obviously by my use of these gifs you all have noticed my secret love affair with Jersey Shore. It’s so awful but I couldn’t ever turn it off. I miss it. I think I need to evaluate my life.

I know Snooki. I'm dealing with it the best way I know how.

I know Snooki. I’m dealing with it the best way I know how.

Any tips to get me back running? Encouragement only. Threats are not welcome.

Thanks boys.

Thanks boys.

 

Run Now, W(h)ine Later

Along with matching soccer socks, hair ties and the remote for the stereo, I am constantly misplacing my motivation. Yesterday was a prime example of that. I got home from work wanting to go for a run and then I got distracted by other shiny things around the house (read: my pillow) and had no will to run. I knew I needed to, I just didn’t WANT to. So, I texted a friend and asked for motivation. This is what I received back…

That'll get me off of the couch every time.

Motivating technique: A++

Needless to say I got off of my ass and went for a run. The first .25 mile was spent telling myself that I needed to run and I would feel better afterwards. Then I got distracted in my music and ended up running twice the distance I intended to. I changed up my route and I think that really helped with the mindset of “if you turn left here you’ll be right back at home” that normally wins out when I go for a run. So.. now that I know that little trick, I’m gonna keep that up. Switching the routine really helped. Plus… wine.

If you add soccer this is eerily accurate.

If you add soccer this is eerily accurate.

Hopefully I’ll be able to go for another run today and hopefully I’ll think I’m running fewer miles than I actually am so I will keep pushing myself to go further. I would track my pace and distance but I don’t really care what that is as long as I don’t collapse. Priorities people. I have ’em.

I Hate Running

I knew at some point I would have to address this, given the amount of excuses I’ve made for myself lately about why I haven’t been running. I know I’ve discussed motivation before, but I think it just all boils down to I HATE RUNNING.

Me the whole time I'm running.

Me the whole time I’m running.

I don’t understand those of you who love it. Please enlighten me.

No, not you LC. I can't trust anyone who let their friend date Justin Bobby. 

Ooh look.. a nice article for me to rea… wait… is that you LC?

No, not you LC. I can’t trust anyone who let their friend date Justin Bobby.

Tips include: Take it outside. Get good music. Know the benefits. I do all that. Still not happenin’.

Don't cry. That's my job.

Don’t cry. That’s my job.

Maybe I’m just not doing it regularly enough. I always feel great after I’m done. It’s just getting my shoes on and making myself walk out of the door. That’s where I get lost. Maybe someone can run behind me and hold a fishing pole with a beer on the end in front of me. Or bacon.. lord knows I love bacon.

Natures perfect food.

Natures perfect food.

Did anyone else have this problem when they were first starting out? Even with the 1/2 training I am NOT on top of things. What are your recommendations? Cattle prods and chasing zombies are not acceptable answers.

Video

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS S***?!

I can’t even reach across a 1.5 ft gap from the couch to the coffee table to reach the remote and this girl… THIS GIRL straight up swings her little self over a 5ft gap from one pole to another and doesn’t die! Look at this and join me as we re-evaluate our life choices.

Seriously though, very proud of her for being the first woman to qualify for American Ninja Warrior. Can you be proud of someone you’ve never met? You can now!
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Is This for Real?

Pinterest is bad for my wallet and my self esteem. If you log on any time of the day there are at least 5 friends “pinning” fitness tips with girls with ripped abs and amazing tans. Every now and then, someone pins something that makes me say..

So many toys. So little monies.

But most of the time when I really want something (as in most cases in life), it either doesn’t exist, is listed wrong or isn’t available. I’m looking at you Polyvore.

Like this for instance. Someone had this listed as a running bracelet from Under Armour. I suppose someone saw that the pants in the picture have UA on them, but alas no. No cheating on Nike for me. Luckily, after a quick Google image search, I found out that Pocketbands has created a nifty little bracelet that holds your key so you don’t have to keep up with it. If you live in a shady city such as the one I live in, you want to make sure you keep your door locked and keep your key with you. No tying it to your shoe or losing it in that tiny little pocket in your running shorts (if you’re lucky to have one).

I don't want to cheat on Nike but I will if I have to.

If only they had a reflective one.

 

Then there is this nifty little piece of equipment that got me all excited because I thought “Hey! Maybe I won’t choke myself with my earbud cords while I run if I have this.” After clicking the pin and many other numerous similar pins with a picture of this, I discovered sadly this little device does not exist.

Why is this not available for me right now?

I’m glad they went with Ghostface Killah. Nothing says fitness like the Wu.

Why do you people of the internet want to do things like this? Promising me glory and then pulling the rug out from under me. Prime example. It’s not very nice. Even when searching for something similar the best I could come up with is this..

Product does not exist. Don't get excited.

Product does not exist. Don’t get excited.

After all this complaining I do have a little nugget of sunshine for you. Would you like to know the shortest most direct route to find pizza?!? There’s an app for that.

Screen Shot 2014-05-29 at 1.58.24 PM

Feet don’t fail me now.

I know I have just unleashed all kinds of happy feelings or you. No need to thank me. jennawelcome